morbert a epsilon (ramirus) wrote,
morbert a epsilon
ramirus

ok

i disconnected this blog from twitter and i dont really have to worry about anyone reading here, noone does. so it should be okay to blog freely. I'll try to keep it legible.

i'm having - basically a major depressive episode. i've lost a lot of faith in myself and what i'm doing.

i was doing four classes to start with at uni. i dont have to do four to qualify for full time, only three. but i figured i could handle it. i've now dropped one of my classes. 101, which is impact of it. that subject is core, so i'll still need to do it, but not this semester. i wish i'd dropped it before the census date but i never did, so i'm still paying for it. bliss. so i'm left with:

-102, Computer Technology Fundamentals, which is the raspberry pi class, which covers a bunch of different low-level things, understanding of how computers and the internet works, OS, things like this. I'm sure I can pass this one.
-103, Designing for IT, which is or was a lot of fun - its group work - but its coming up on the assessment, and i'm not sure if its going to come together.
-104, Building IT Systems, Python and databases and html stuff. which at least i'm on top of. sort of.

but i also have a bunch of stuff i promised to do, outside the course, that i want to get back to.

-theres the website for the russian community center. this is a real paying job, and i ought to prioritise it, but i cant right now.
-one of my tutors is making an iphone game, i agreed to work on this with about ten other people i dont know. but it seems sketchy. and im not gonna find time for it. so i should bail early, i think.
-the tetraton, for the watch the skies game. but i havent been paid for this. and i dont really want to do it anymore. i could give them the lowfi version. i should talk to the guy. but im avoiding it.

what am i actually doing though? i'm hiding in my room. i'm sleeping away good days that i need. i dont feel qualified to make anything. i dont have any faith in information technology, in games, or in myself. i dont believe i can find work. i dont believe i can find love. i dont see any good outcomes. anything good that happens to me, i push it away.

so uh, what does my focus have to be? work on the things that are due for 102 and 103. keep my head up.

as well as this, i gotta make sure i get some counselling at uni and get a new prescription.

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